


Hurt

by drunkbert



Series: The dark season of life [2]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depressing, Friendship/Love, M/M, Sad, Saulbert - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-07 23:58:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12852303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkbert/pseuds/drunkbert
Summary: "Adam. You don't fucking understand", I snapped.





	Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> I thought my next fanfiction would be a longer one but the truth is that I love writing short ones.

Happiness.

 

I hadn't had any disturbing thoughts today. Not until now anyway. I was sweaty from a powerful warm up. Gym was completely empty except for me. Radio was on. The only source of light was my phone I was holding in my hand which was trembling slightly. I hadn't known what to expect. Slight panic threatened to overwhelm me, take control of the situation and my feelings. The fact was I didn't know what to feel. At the same time I felt cold and numb, unable to actually feel anything, and on the edge of crying my eyes out. The tears seemed to be tickling the corner of my eyes but something didn't let them fall. I almost felt need to cry, to let something out, to let myself know I really cared. I hoped for a stronger reaction but I didn't get one. It was scary itself.

 I focused on the text. I read the same message over and over again since my brain refused to understand it - like it was written in different language. Not to even start with any jokes - it wasn't in Finnish. Something in the way or the tone of the message was wrong, it was unreal, fake, it didn't belong for the person who wrote it. He was full of life, full of positive energy even though he worried too much about other people. He cared too much and put others' feelings and needs before him.

 

 Always.

 He was easy to like, easy to fall in love with. His aura was beautiful.

 He was beautiful.

 Always.

 

 I tried to shake myself from the shock I was in. He was online, knowing I had read his messages. He was waiting for me to say something. I knew he did. I was just completely out of words. Literally. Then he did something which scared me even more. He started recording. I wanted to leave the gym and hide somewhere or just simply stop existing. If the written messages were killing me inside, what would it be like hearing his voice?

 

 How much was his voice trembling?

 Was he crying?

 What was he going to say to me?

 And how?

 

The message was sent. It lasted one minute.

 

 Please, I can't do it. It kills me. Please. I'm sorry.

 Sauli, he wrote.

 What the fuck do I say?

 Please, Sauli. It hurts so much.

 There they were.

 The tears.

 

 It was hard to breathe with the feeling of something huge stuck in your throat. No jokes - it was serious.

 

 I gave in and pressed the button. I bit my lip hard while staring at the floor. Time passed but the pain I was causing to myself wasn't enough. I needed more control. I sank my nails on my wrist and closed my eyes, crying silently. Adam's voice was so fucking calm that it made mad. It was soft like velvet, quiet, but got deeper during the message as seconds passed. In the end the words were whispered, his tone clearly wavering and breaking down in the very last second.

 

 I felt faint.

 Sauli? You okay?

 I felt like I could explode from the anger. I needed a moment to calm down before writing anything back.

 Please, say smth. I'm worried.

 That was it.

 I called him.

 

He answered immediately like always, rushing to ask what was wrong. I told him exactly what was wrong in a very loud voice and snapping tone, literally just blaming him for everything. I hated the fact that he was more worried about me than his own condition, his own well being. I hated how much he cared for everyone. I hated how sweet he was, how loving he was. I hated the fact that he had gone through so much alone because he didn't want to hurt anyone.

  
 

"I wanted to hurt you?" I asked.

 "Sauli...I kept calling and calling you. You just ignored me. You clearly didn't want me anywhere near your problems but you did get me very worried. That's not even the point. I would have loved to help if you had told me."

 "Adam. You don't fucking understand", I snapped.

 

He apologised.

 

Again.

 

I was having hard time controlling myself.

 

  
"What about all the people in the world who tell their friends what's bothering them? Does the truth hurt them?"

 "Sauli..."

 "Well does it?!"

 "Certain things hurt but people can learn to deal with them. Friends are there for each other...because they care."

 

  
I felt even dizzier if it was possible.

 

  
"You think...I don't...care?" I whispered feeling out of my mind, sinking my nails deeper into my skin breathing faster. Adam was quiet. I wanted to jump from a bridge.

 "The problem is...that you care...too much", Adam finally said in a very quiet voice.

 "I know perfectly well how much you care and you have no idea how much it kills me, to even imagine, how much I'm hurting you by telling you what I have faced in my life. The struggle is real, Sauli. I wanted to protect you. I know what you're capable of and if you did...something...and it was because of me I'd-"

 

His voice cracked.

 

He started crying uncontrollably for the first time during our call. I was speechless, just listening to his heart breaking sobs on my headphones. If I closed my eyes I could imagine him next to me, too afraid to lean close because I had not really welcomed him.

 

I wanted to stab myself.

 

 "I hate myse-" I tried to say, more to myself, but Adam interrupted me, startling me with a loud yelp.

 "Sauli, Eerik, Koskinen...", he managed to say.

 "...the only person I love more than anything or anyone on this planet..."

 

A pause. He tried to catch his breath.

 

"... _dares_ to hate himself?"

 "You hate yourself too", I argued.

 "And you hate it, don't you? Isn't it impossible to tell someone how perfect they are including all their faults? Isn't it impossible to make someone actually believe it?"

 

  
I didn't answer.

 

  
"How many times have you told me to shut up when I said even one bad thing about myself?" He kept going on.

 "You're perfect Adam", I said defeated.

 "So are you Sauli - have always been."

 

  
 We fell in knowing silence, only our fast breathing could be heard. There were too many things I wanted to say to Adam.

 

"I hate it how perfect you are", I mumbled frustrated on the phone. I didn't have to see Adam's face to know he was smiling, real smile on his lips reaching up to his eyes. He didn't fake smiles.

 "Really?"

 "Yes."

 "I could try to be less perfect for you."

 "You can start with talking." Adam sighed. A deep sigh. I could almost smell the vodka he'd been drinking.

 "Where are you?"

 "At the gym."

 "Alone?"

 "What does it fucking matter?"

 "Sauli..." He warned me.

 

  
I sighed and covered my face with my other hand remaining quiet. Silent tears made my vision blurry.

 

 "I didn't do anything-"

"I know you did-"

 "I ONLY SCRATCHED MYSELF A BIT, OKAY?"

 "It's not okay, Sauli..."

 

  
I knew it wasn't.

 

  
"Have you..." I started, overwhelmed by how hard it was to ask the most simple question.

 "No. I haven't."

 

  
I breathed out feeling extremely relieved.

 

  
"You will stop it now, baby. It has to end. I will help you. You will be fine-"

 "And so will you", I cut him off fast. Adam seemed to hesitate and think about his words very carefully this time. I could sense the lie forming in his head, ready to be said aloud.

 

  
"Maybe in next life", he said and hung up.


End file.
